So, you remember the issue I had with my friend the other day? I tried to talk to her about it, and apparently I am a needy, clingy person. . .
She didn't actually say that, but that is basically the message I got. She told me that she got 'pissed as hell' (direct quote from her) when I told her I was annoyed that she changed her mind. Apparently it was really hard for her to decide to go to Seoul by herself and she felt horribly guilty, because in her mind, we have to go everywhere together. She told me she is a people pleaser and that the only reason she spends so much time with me is because I need the socializing. She is basically a loner and doesn't need as much human contact as me. Spending so much time with me was making her feel trapped.
I have to say, when I read that, (this conversation took place via Messenger) I was mad. There were a lot of times I asked if it was okay to go to her apartment because I knew she wasn't as social as me. She always told me she didn't care and to just come over, but it is still my fault we spend so much time together. I gave her an excuse to tell me to not come over, but she never took it. I have been aware of her loner tendencies since we met, and tried to accommodate her, but she never took advantage of that.
Since apparently she won't tell me to go away, I am giving her the space she seems to want. I am refraining from contacting her at all. It may seem childish to some, or that I am being a martyr, which I am aware of, but what else am I supposed to do? She doesn't really want me around, but she won't tell me so. Even typing this up now, I want to cry. It hurts me that much to think that I have caused her pain and been such a bother to her.
She told me that she doesn't really have friends because they all seem to move on. I can't help but wonder if it isn't because she pushes them away. They know she doesn't really want them around, so they just drift away and find people who actually WANT to spend time with them, who actually make an effort to go visit them at their home instead of waiting for them to come to over.
That is an issue I have long had with this friendship. She has never really made much of an effort to come visit me. In America I would always go to her house. She lived with her parents and their house is really nice. I lived in a University apartment complex with 3 room mates. We each had our own room and just shared the living room, kitchen and bathrooms. My friend came over only a handful of times. Every other time we met, I went to her house.
During the summers I would go to my parents' home in the neighboring state. It was a 4 hour drive, and she told me flat out she would never come visit me at my parents'. She refused to even think about it, which has always annoyed me. It has always made me feel that I am not worth the effort.
What all of this leads to is simple. I don't actually need her. I have spent the last 3 days without her, and I have had really good days. I enjoyed being in Seoul by myself. It was nice. I took my time, wandered where I wanted to, didn't have to worry about her getting antsy to be somewhere else or being bored. Yesterday and today I just puttered around my house for a while, then I went in to Hongcheon and did a bit of shopping and then went to a cafe and got tea and just read for an hour or so. She seems to think I need all sorts of attention, but really, I just need to be around people, I don't actually need to talk to them.
I am giving her time to be a loner, and I am just enjoying my time alone as well. In spite of the tension I have felt about the situation between us, I have been happier the past 3 days then I have been in a really long time. Maybe it is because of the changes I am making, maybe it is because she has been a negative influence on me, I don't know. Whatever it is, I like it.
I find it interesting when something positive comes from something so painful and negative. Here's hoping the positive keeps coming!
How have you been the past few days? Well, I hope.
My the light of the Goddess and the blessings of God be with you.
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