Apathetic

So, I have been feeling very apathetic towards life lately.  The weather has been weird.  It got really hot for a few days, and now it is back to being cold.  It has been raining for a few days and I miss the sun.  Being cold makes me feel so very blah.  I am kind of tempted to pull out one of my heaters.  (I have two.  A big one and a little one.)  Maybe then I won't be so listless.

Have you heard the song "Would It Matter" by the group Skillet?  I love that song, but there are so many times I feel that way, I have a hard time listening to it.  I know there are people who would miss me if I were gone, but some days it doesn't feel that way.

I bring this up because of a conversation I had with my friend the other day.  She said something that has been bothering me and has been making me feel like I can't really speak my mind.

That song came on and I told her that I should probably stop listening to it because it makes me kind of depressed.  She asked why and so I told her it was because it made me wonder if anyone really would miss me if I were gone.  She then proceeded to tell me that if I felt that way I should make it so people would miss me.  I know she didn't understand what I meant, and I can't seem to explain it in a way that she can understand.  I don't believe I have the ability to MAKE someone miss me.  She told me when it comes to things like that I see a wall and stop while she is climbing over the wall and moving on.  This seems to be her favorite thing to say to me.  I'm not sure she means for it to, but it comes across as somewhat condescending.  It makes me want to just stop talking to her.

My friend has been making the occasional comment about future events, and I keep thinking that we may not last that long.  I know I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel, but I don't know where to start.  It doesn't help anything that I am now feeling a little tense and uncomfortable around her.  I go over to her place and I get antsy and wonder when I can leave.  It used to be that I could go spend hours at her apartment doing nothing and be fine.  Now, if I'm not doing something, I am looking at the time, wondering if I can leave yet.

A good example of this is what happened on Saturday.  We went shopping in the next town over.  We usually get back around 5 or 6.  Well, we left earlier in the day so we got back earlier.  As we pulled up to her apartment complex she asked if I was coming in.  She said I could come up for a couple hours, then she would kick me out.  Before our little issue I would have gone up, but this time, I didn't really want to.  I told her I would just go home.  Well, I didn't actually go home for about 2 hours.  I went to a cafe and got my favorite drink (green tea frappeno) and sat and read for about an hour while I finished my drink.  I didn't go home, but I didn't really want to be with her either.

Anywho, moving on to a new topic.  Do you have a piece of jewelry you have to wear?  I used to be fine not wearing any jewelry.  Now, however, I have a pendant that I feel weird when I don't have it on.  Even at home, when I am just lounging around.  I now also feel naked when I don't have two bracelets and two rings on.  I have 5 bracelets and 5 rings I rotate between.  This all came about because I ordered a bunch of jewelry from ebay.  (yay for inexpensive stuff!)  I looked into stones and their mystical properties and found some that I knew I needed in my life and acquired some jewelry with those stones.  I want to learn more about stones and their properties and how they can be used, I just don't know where to start.   

The stone thing comes back to the Goddess.  I am still trying to figure out how I want to worship the Goddess and God.  I do know that I connect the Goddess to Earth and the energies and powers from it.  So, I am using the stones to help me with some issues I have been having.

Hematite is a very useful stone.  It is a protective stone and it also deflects negative energies.

Moss Agate is another of my favorites.  It has strong ties to nature and the Goddess.

Well, I think that is enough rambling for one entry.

Are there any stones you are fond of and want to know their mystical properties?  Or do you have a problem you need some help with?

Let me know, and I will do some research for you.

Summer!!! Yay and boo. ^^

It has been a while.

Life has been relatively uneventful.  Summer is here and it is getting hot, which means I have to fight getting cranky.  I love summer and sunshine, I just hate extreme heat.  Does that make sense?

My students are acting up, and I think it is because of the heat.  Poor things.  The school hasn't been turning on the AC in the classrooms, so it is very hot and miserable.  I feel bad for all of us.

In case you are wondering, things are slightly better with my friend.  We are spending some time together, but not a lot.  I don't message her very much, and I haven't been spending much time at her apartment.  I don't know if she realizes that anything is wrong.  If she does, she hasn't said anything.

I don't feel like I can really talk to her anymore.  I haven't told her anything about the Pagan/Wiccan thing, and there are some other things going on in my life that I haven't talked to her about either.  I don't feel comfortable talking to her about them anymore.  This means I have no one to talk to about certain things, but that is okay.  I can rely on myself.

On a happy(ish) note, I went to an art gallery with a friend this week.  It was fun.  I met up with my friend, whom I call Oppa (Korean for older brother), in Seoul.  We spend a couple hours in the museum and then we had an early dinner.  Then we did a bit of shopping.  After that, he took me to the bus terminal and helped me buy a ticket.  My bus didn't leave for about an hour, so we went across the street to a coffee shop.

I enjoyed myself, but there is a potential problem.  I kept wanting to touch Oppa.  Hug him, cuddle with him, that kind of stuff, and I gave in to that impulse frequently.  The problem is, I'm not sure if I am attracted to him because he is attractive or because I am lonely and just want a guy in my life.  I am worried about leading him on, because I know at one point in time he was attracted to me.  He mentioned wanting me to be his girlfriend.  Of course, that was two years ago and I was in America and he was in Korea at the time.  I don't know if his feelings have changed or if he is still attracted to me.  If he is, and I'm not really attracted to him, it isn't fair to him.  I don't want to hurt him because I do care about him.  I am very confused and don't know what to do.  Oppa hasn't done anything to indicate he wants more than a friendship with me, but I am worried.  I know I shouldn't be, especially since nothing may come of this, but I worry about everything.  What do you think I should do?  I am open to suggestions.

Hopefully things will work out.  Until then, here's hoping I don't worry too much about things I cannot control!

Long Winded Rant and Personal Discovery

So, you remember the issue I had with my friend the other day?  I tried to talk to her about it, and apparently I am a needy, clingy person. . .  

She didn't actually say that, but that is basically the message I got.  She told me that she got 'pissed as hell' (direct quote from her) when I told her I was annoyed that she changed her mind.  Apparently it was really hard for her to decide to go to Seoul by herself and she felt horribly guilty, because in her mind, we have to go everywhere together.  She told me she is a people pleaser and that the only reason she spends so much time with me is because I need the socializing.  She is basically a loner and doesn't need as much human contact as me.  Spending so much time with me was making her feel trapped.

I have to say, when I read that, (this conversation took place via Messenger) I was mad.  There were a lot of times I asked if it was okay to go to her apartment because I knew she wasn't as social as me.  She always told me she didn't care and to just come over, but it is still my fault we spend so much time together.  I gave her an excuse to tell me to not come over, but she never took it.  I have been aware of her loner tendencies since we met, and tried to accommodate her, but she never took advantage of that.

Since apparently she won't tell me to go away, I am giving her the space she seems to want.  I am refraining from contacting her at all.  It may seem childish to some, or that I am being a martyr, which I am aware of, but what else am I supposed to do?  She doesn't really want me around, but she won't tell me so.  Even typing this up now, I want to cry.  It hurts me that much to think that I have caused her pain and been such a bother to her.

She told me that she doesn't really have friends because they all seem to move on.  I can't help but wonder if it isn't because she pushes them away.  They know she doesn't really want them around, so they just drift away and find people who actually WANT to spend time with them, who actually make an effort to go visit them at their home instead of waiting for them to come to over.

That is an issue I have long had with this friendship.  She has never really made much of an effort to come visit me.  In America I would always go to her house.  She lived with her parents and their house is really nice.  I lived in a University apartment complex with 3 room mates.  We each had our own room and just shared the living room, kitchen and bathrooms.  My friend came over only a handful of times.  Every other time we met, I went to her house.

During the summers I would go to my parents' home in the neighboring state.  It was a 4 hour drive, and she told me flat out she would never come visit me at my parents'.  She refused to even think about it, which has always annoyed me.  It has always made me feel that I am not worth the effort.

What all of this leads to is simple.  I don't actually need her.  I have spent the last 3 days without her, and I have had really good days.  I enjoyed being in Seoul by myself.  It was nice.  I took my time, wandered where I wanted to, didn't have to worry about her getting antsy to be somewhere else or being bored.  Yesterday and today I just puttered around my house for a while, then I went in to Hongcheon and did a bit of shopping and then went to a cafe and got tea and just read for an hour or so.  She seems to think I need all sorts of attention, but really, I just need to be around people,  I don't actually need to talk to them.

I am giving her time to be a loner, and I am just enjoying my time alone as well.  In spite of the tension I have felt about the situation between us, I have been happier the past 3 days then I have been in a really long time.  Maybe it is because of the changes I am making, maybe it is because she has been a negative influence on me, I don't know.  Whatever it is, I like it.

I find it interesting when something positive comes from something so painful and negative.  Here's hoping the positive keeps coming!

How have you been the past few days?  Well, I hope.

My the light of the Goddess and the blessings of God be with you.

Bad Day, Good Day, Bad Day. . .

That is how my day has been, which I find very frustrating.

My friend suddenly decided last night that she wanted to go in to Seoul today.  I asked if I could tag along and she told me yes.  Then, she suddenly decided to change her mind.  I didn't mind that she wanted to go alone.  What I minded was her telling me yes, then changing it to no.  That really bugs me.  Then, to top it all off, she was sending me messages that seemed rather condescending to me.  She was telling me I could go to Seoul by myself and meet up with a friend.  It seemed to me like she felt the need to tell me what I already knew, and give me her permission.  She said that she wasn't being condescending when I told her that is how her messages came across.  Then she told me that I was just annoyed and taking everything she said the wrong way.  My response? Okay.  I was over the conversation.  Her final message about the topic was a snarky comment about me being condescending and she was finished with this conversation and was shutting off her phone.

I did go to Seoul by myself and I had a really nice time.  I went to Changgyecheon, which is a beautiful man-made stream that runs through part of Seoul.  Then I went to Namdaemun market followed by Myeongdong.  Visiting all of those places was really nice.  I just meandered at my own pace.  I hardly spoke a word all day, unless I was purchasing something, and it was awesome.

Now for the ending bad part.  I took the bus in, so I had to take the bus back and we got stuck in traffic.  So, the trip that should have taken an hour took an hour and a half, and I was going nuts by the end!  It didn't help that I wanted to glomp the guy sitting next to me.  He was not distractingly attractive.  I wanted to glomp him because he was a warm, living, breathing guy.  I have not been on a date in over 5 years, and I am rather lonely.  It doesn't help that I am a very physically affectionate person and I have no one to show that affection to.  My family is half a world away and I don't have any friends really close to where I live in Korea.  But enough of the pity party.

I had a fun drive from Hongcheon, where the bus dropped me off, to my home out in the countryside.  I had the windows rolled down and the music blasting.  It was great.  

Now, I should probably go meditate so that I can calm down enough to actually sleep tonight.  I just needed to rant about my day.  ^^  So, how was your day?  Feel free to share.  I made you read through my day, the least I can do is return the favor.

Final note I will leave you with, I found a really good song on the way home tonight.  I didn't realize it was on my Zune until it played.  It is called Unmistakable by the Backstreet Boys.  It perfectly describes how I am feeling about love right now.  What is your favorite song of the moment?

Welcome to my crazy world!

Welcome to my journey.

Allow me to introduce myself.  For the sake of anonymity, you may call me Topaz Phoenix.  

I grew up in a large family in America.  I am the second of five children and have always felt a little out of place.  I am now in my late 20s living in South Korea teaching English.  I love living here, and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

I grew up going to the LDS church, or Mormon, as it is more commonly know.  When I was 15 I began questioning my faith, but never really felt that I could explore other faiths because my parents would not have handled it well.  When I was 21 I finally went away to college and took the time to look into Wicca and Paganism.  I really liked what I found.  However, this caused some of my friends to completely freak out.  One even called her pastor to come talk me out of it.  I listened politely even though he never said anything meaningful.  He just told me that Wicca was evil and that his mother had gone through a lot of religions before she went back to being a Baptist.  

Not long after this, I ended up moving back home with my parents and, once again, was restricted in what I could do, knowing how my parents would react.  I also began going back to the LDS church, as was expected of me by my father.  A few months later, I moved away from home and began attending a University in the neighboring state.  There, I continued going to the LDS church, by my own choice this time, and realized that I found comfort and strength in the things I was learning and remembering.  I realized that I had found my faith once again, and I was happy with this knowledge.

I never truly forgot about what I had felt and learned while looking into Wicca and Paganism, but I pushed it aside, knowing that the people I loved and respected would not respond well and that I had found something else to believe in.

However, recently I have been thinking more and more about the Goddess and all She stands for.  I know that Christian and Catholic religions teach that there is only one God, and he is the only one we should worship.  There is also a commandment to put no other gods before Him.  This caused a me dilemma for a short while.

I believe in the Goddess, but I still believe in God.  The LDS religion teaches that we have a Heavenly Father (God) and a Heavenly Mother.  Which leads to my argument: If Heavenly Father is God, wouldn't our Heavenly Mother be a Goddess?  And if, as the commandment says, we are supposed to honor our father AND mother, why can I not worship both God and Goddess?  They are my heavenly parents, after all.  As for the commandment, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me", well, I am not putting the Goddess before God, I hold them equal in regard.

I still believe in most things that I was taught growing up in the LDS faith, but I have also found that many aspects of Goddess worship appeal to me as well.  So, I guess one could say that I am a Wiccan/Pagan Mormon.  I believe in both and I feel that I can worship both without sacrificing my beliefs.

I know that some people out there will try to tell me that I am being deceived by the devil and that I can't believe in both. I am simply stating how I feel on the off chance that others may feel the same way.  Keep in mind that God has said "Judge not, that ye be not judged".  I don't judge you because of your beliefs, so don't judge me.  If you don't like what I am saying, then stay away from my blog.  No one is making you read it.

If you have any constructive thoughts on anything I have said, please leave a comment.  If you are just going to tell me I am evil and I am going to hell, don't bother leaving a message.

If you believe in something you know others will judge you for and look down on you because of, please know that this is a safe place to talk about it.  I am always willing to listen and help in any way I can.

I am finding my own path and I am happier because of it.  Are you willing to find your own path?