Do you ever have days when you wonder if life is worth it? I have been feeling that way lately. I look at my life and wonder what I am doing with myself.
My time in Korea is fast approaching an end. My contract is up in about six months and I have no idea what I want to do with myself when it is over. I am really close to getting my bachelor's degree, so I know I want to get that, but I don't know where I want to get it. I don't want to go back to the university I was at before, but I don't know where I want to go.
That is problem number one. Problem number two? I don't know what I want to do with my life, even after I get my degree.
Due to recent events I have had to change what I had planned. Things have changed, but now I don't know what to do.
All of this is making me feel like it isn't worth it. I don't know what I want to do and I can't seem to find the motivation to figure it out. There are so many things I WANT to do, but I never get around to doing them. I feel like such a failure at life.
I want someone to come along and tell me what to do with my life, but that isn't going to happen.
A part of me wants to get married and have my husband make decisions for me. Unfortunately, I would need a man in my life for that to even be a possibility. I have no boyfriend and no prospects, which has a tendency to depress me. I know that I am not ready for a serious relationship right now, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
I think that is part of why I feel like a failure. I don't have a career and I don't have a husband. It has been pounded into my head that I should be married with children by now, but since I am not, I should have a career. I have neither.
I look at my life and I feel like I have nothing. If I were to look in a mirror right now, (which I won't) all I would see would be a fat, ugly, useless, pathetic girl who fails at everything. I know that isn't true, but it is what I would see.
I don't drink at all, but thinking about all of this makes me want to go out and get a bottle of wine and drink alone.
I know this has been a very depressing, negative post, but I am feeling depressed and negative, and I just wanted to get it all out there.
I will be more positive next time.
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